room in rome (2010)

What happens when you put two ESL actresses skilled in the art of simulated cunnilingus, a lesbian with a musical looping device and Google Maps in one film?  Heaven.  Or a headache.  And these are the poles that Julio Medem’s Room in Rome rides so hard for almost two hours.  These sisters got endurance! Natasha (Natasha Yarovenko) and Alba (Elena Anaya) are both doing some R and R in Rome when they meet at a bar and stumble back to a hotel late one night.  They’re kinda trashed, but soft butchie Alba wants to do the nasty on straight bait Natasha.  Eight minutes in and we’re talking tits akimbo -finally a film looking to serve its viewer- and at twenty-three minutes this two fister’s really got its finger on the pulse.  I think I counted five or six sex scenes (the one where they reenact The Little Mermaid in a tub is questionable) which might be some kind of record outside my Crash Pad trolling (see PORN).

In between the vulva-smacking is where things get a little rough.  The performers are totally appealing (with the exception of the asshole bellhop who comes upstairs to deliver them a “steamed cucumber”), but I just couldn’t follow the fucking thing because the whole premise of the film is that these two broads are strangers basically creating personas for each other under the assumption they will never meet again.  Bullshit.  Why doesn’t anybody talk about Euro U-Haul?  And more importantly, why was this thing almost two hours long?  I mean, it didn’t really turn out to be a problem because me and my girls had ordered enough Mexican food to feed the entire Michigan Womyn’s Festival – we just used the talking parts to stretch and fetch! (Corona.)  But by the end I still couldn’t figure out whether Alba was crying over a botched abortion or just pissed that her vacay was almost over.  And I’m upset when I can’t relate the plot of a film in long, overwrought sentences.  It’s my overactive processing gene (see LESBIOCHEMISTRY).

Final note: this movie might have the worst soundtrack I have ever experienced.  But as a gay person, I have come to accept the bitter with the sweet.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

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